Vegas' Trail

Story #75, one last true story.

To hear the story, call Vegas.









To read the story, cozy up.

One last matter, during my recent reincarnation, I've noticed that I also lost the list of who has agreed to read for the stories next year. I more or less think I remember but if you volunteered and don't yet have your episode, please email me again so I can make sure I haven't forgotten anyone.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here:

Minor

MINOR, adj. Less objectionable.

2006 Update: n. Anyone not yet of a responsible age or their children.

Monument

MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.

The bones of Agammemnon are a show,
And ruined is his royal monument,

but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument custom has its reductiones ad absurdum in monuments "to the unknown dead" — that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of those who have left no memory.

2006 Update: Stone or metal chosen to durably recall achievement and dependably forget motive.

Wednesday of The Bohemian

My guest this week is la hermana del mundo, Miz Bohemia. Miz B was asked, with every sincerity, to define OCDish.

OCDish, n. partial abbr. When the desire to run straight to bed after a rendezvous with the toilet (with no distractions along the way as distractions are not in the master plan and will make one run right back to the toilet for things to be done right, as they very well should, and that being that from said rendezvous with the toilet you go straight to bed dammit or else hyperventilation, heart attacks as well as panic attacks shall and will be in order I tell you) is faced with a flawed and foiled reality called life (and that being one of turmoil with the backdrop that are two shrieking and verbalicious lil' bohemians) where compromises must be made for the sake of peace and sanity to reign (if ever such a thing is possible, let alone plausible, in a bohemian household), thus adding on an -ish to the much cherished-and-so-why-can't-I-hold-on-to-it label of OCD...

So yes, listen up cause it's all in the -ish...

Yes, you heard it here first...

About Miz Bohemia: Miz Bohemia is the beautiful-like-an-old-statue-of-Venus-but-not-so-quiet-even-though-she-lives-in-a-Mediterranean-paradise-with-a-beautiful-family-and-might-be-happy-but-can't-be-quite-because-of-Spaniards-and-she-really-wants-to-be-in-San-Francisco-which-is-Spanish-but-not-Spanish-sister-of-mine-adopted-formally-by-my-father-having-earned-our-affection-with-this-post-and-having-already-been-a-generous-host-to-this-rogue.

Since her guest appearance here, Miz B has pushed the envelope (I bet when she needs to mail a letter, it has to be hand delivered each time) by making a practice of video blogging. In her videos, we've had the privilege of meeting the woman behind the hyphens. It turns out her fabulous knock-off handbags have the job of accessorizing true beauty. If you keep up with her videos, you have met her whole family including her husband, Lovaboy, her daughter, the talented artist, Lil' Bohemia, her son, Lil' mischief (who earned his name eating pasta, it seems to me,) and the family's pets, a cat and a spider.

So, take my advice. Invite Miz B into your home, but not onto your hearth. Gracias a mi hermana linda en España. That's all you get.

How to be a guest on this site: To be anointed, I will need your email address and permission. So, were you to send an email to dpascover at mac dot com and say in the subject line something like "OK, ok I'll do it," that would definitely work unless I thought it was spam and deleted it. On an upcoming Wednesday, after posting that week's guest I would then send you an email with a word not in The Devil's Dictionary which you could then spend the next three days writing a definition for and return to me with a graphic or two of your choosing. The only rules are no profanity, no novels and anything else I make up. If you've done this before, I may ask you again if you're around a lot. If you've done this before and not been heard from since, just let me know that you want to be a guest and then disappear again.

Meekness

Meekness, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worthwhile.

M is for Moses,
Who slew the Egyptian.
As sweet as a rose is
The Meekness of Moses.
No monument shows his
Post-mortem inscription,
But M is for Moses,
Who slew the Egyptian.

-The Biographical Alphabet

2006 Update: A king's reluctance, a pauper's repentence, the mask on an assassin, the tail on an ambitious dog and the satisfaction of a serpent.

Malthusian

MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers have been of the same way of thinking.

2006 Update: Among family.

A curmudgeonly Christmas wish to you all

Special Delivery

Story #74, in which lists are made.

To hear the story, ask Santa for directions.












To read the story, tell Santa you "want some stupid story for Christmas."

Now, about Prattler. The same catastrophe that made today's story late means Prattler will have to be rebuilt from scratch. Anyone making a site on iWeb should email me for advice on how not to end up old, bitter and drunk like me. Prattler will be back but I don't know when.

Debtor

DEBTOR, n. A worthy person, in whose interest the national finances should be so managed as to depreciate the national currency.

2006 Update: A victim of the imperialist strategies of the Chinese, national policies that favor multinational corporations and commercial propaganda broadcast through the plasma television over the bathtub.

Domestic

DOMESTIC, n. A person whom one employs about the house to exercise the functions of master or mistress.
adj. Appertaining to the household, as a domestic husband, who loafs aboute the house making love to the female domestics. The domestic husband is commonly what Artemus Ward said the Prince of Wales was-"A good prpvider." That is to say, he commonly provides good looking kitchen maids.

2006 Update: adj. Locally labeled.

Special Guest Elf

From the North Pole, via Iceland and New Jersey, my guest this week is Mo'a. Mo'a was asked to define Puppet.

Puppet, n. Middle English .....poppet = doll
.....possibly from Anglo-Norman....poppe = doll
French.....poupee = doll.....German.....Puppe = doll
French....pupille = pupil
German... Pupille = pupil

Pupil.....Middle English......from old
French......pupille......from Latin.....pupilla =
little doll, pupil of the eye (from the tiny image
reflected in it) = doll

So no matter how you see it, we all have dolls in our eyes.

About Mo'a: According to my thumbnail math, Icelanders are .05% of humanity but based on my anecdotal survey, they make up roughly 10% of the blogosphere. Mo'a came to the U.S. for college and was persuaded to stay, somehow. She is an artist/sculptor and mainly a doll-maker. Here's my Christmas tip to all of you: Do not confess to not owning any art and look at her professional website while you still feel badly about it. Her figurative sculpture and dolls are all dipped in a thick solution of magic and enchanted with Icelandic witchery. The pictures in this post are all from my current collection of Mo'a originals. The Jolasveinar currently featured on her blog are traditional mischief-makers who nicely compliment the iconoclastic ones that also live here. Her Gryla is someone I could bring home to meet mom. I should confess, I bought her Jolasveinar to be Christmas present for the kids in my life, but they fit in here so well, I've changed plans. Sure hope Payton, Jake and Stevie like coal.

Mo'a's main blog, Leikur Og List(?) presents Moa's love for her art and other artists. She almost makes a fella wish for talent. If you look back, the same magic she puts in her dolls also goes into her woodwork. And into her relationships with other artists and bloggers. Mo'a plays well here, there and everywhere she goes. She didn't get to be one of Santa's elves for nothing. Thank you, Mo'a for gracing this blog and this house as a guest, and for having just enough edge on your humor to make me believe once more in Santa's helpers.

How to be a guest on this site: To be anointed, I will need your email address and permission. So, were you to send an email to dpascover at mac dot com and say in the subject line something like "OK, ok I'll do it," that would definitely work unless I thought it was spam and deleted it. On an upcoming Wednesday, after posting that week's guest I would then send you an email with a word not in The Devil's Dictionary which you could then spend the next three days writing a definition for and return to me with a graphic or two of your choosing. The only rules are no profanity, no novels and anything else I make up. If you've done this before, I may ask you again if you're around a lot. If you've done this before and not been heard from since, just let me know that you want to be a guest and then disappear again.

Demented

DEMENTED, adj. The melancholy mental condition of one whose arguments we are unable to answer.

2006 Update: Corruptible at too high a price. Feverishly unmoved.

Distress

DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

2006 Update: The erosion of hope by anticipation of a future discovery.

What Really Happened

Story #73, the true tell-all story of Doug's vacation.

To hear the story, wander down to Barr, a winemaking village below the Vosges.

To read the story, stop in Prague, birthplace of Franz Kafka..

Prattler will return next Saturday. To read the other version of my vacation, click on the photo of Budapest and the Danube, below.

Homesick

HOMESICK, adj. Dead broke abroad.

2006 Update: The yearning for restoration as an abuser of foreign riff-raff.

Home

HOME, n. The place of last resort--open all night.

2006 Update: A half-acre elysium where our failures never age, old follies never die, no lie is ever forgotten and every pet's a king. The smaller the home, the more inhabited.

Here is Walela's announcement:

We return to our regularly scheduled program...

Tomorrow, Waking Ambrose will return in the normal format. In the meanwhile, here are a couple photos from the trip and Walela has an announcement. Thanks to everyone for the story. I threw out my back acting it all out, but enjoyed it nonetheless. Thanks especially to those of you who protected my virtue. Click on Walela for the announcement.


Thanks to Ariel for showing me Budapest. This is a picture of us (right) looking down towards the Danube.





This is Strasbourg (above, left) from the roof of the Cathedral. Thanks to Maclean for not using the word "gauche" after four years living in France, especially with reference to his big brother who can still lift him over a Cathedral wall but preferred not to.


Finally, here's Prague.

Not that anyone asked...

...But here are six things weird about me. There are more. Thanks to Minka and Terry for not tagging me, you guys know me well. Or have forgotten that I was ever born. Either way, thanks. I'm not sure if the game below made for the two weeks of gleeful good times I had hoped for, although if it's still being played, play on. The puppet show continues two posts down.

Apostasy, n. Faith without ambition.
Curmudgeonliness, n. The love that dare not eat its prey.
Furry, adj. Overdressed for the beach. Well-suited for the company of wolves.
Insomniac, n. Someone who thinks when they should dream and dreams when they should turn left.
Social Phobia, n. An architectural defect of living rooms, ballrooms and bars diagnosed by the lack of alcoves, closets and coat racks.
Stillness, n. The evidence of depth, nobility or absence.

On other blogs this is a meme. Here it's more like self-love.

Couldn't stay away, could you?

OK, then let's play a game. This is, more or less, a backwards treasure hunt. The object of this game is to lead people back here to learn what's happening after confusing them so here are the steps:

1. Pick five sites in the blogroll to the right, whose author has left no comment on this post.
2. Leave the prescribed comment, with no explanation.
3. Come back and replace the prescribed comment in the comments below.

The idea is that people will see a nonsensical nonsequitur and react to it. As they browse around, they may see the same comment from you or a different one from someone else. Over time, if they are sharp, they'll realize that all the strange comments are coming from the Waking Ambrose community and being made on blogs in the Waking Ambrose community. If it works, when they get back, they laugh and join the game.

To keep it fun, the strange comments should change. So, if there are no comments below, you are first and your job is to leave the comment "I just saw an elephant fly" on five blogs. Then come back and leave a comment with a new sentence for the next person to leave somewhere. If there are comments below, use whatever sentence the last commenter left.


On Etiquette: Just in case some of y'all are of the unholdable tongue variety, if someone asks you what you mean by whatever you said, just keep still. You don't have to answer every question someone asks. Ask TLP. Also, if you're already playing and someone leaves a weird comment don't say yeah, I saw that on Waking Ambrose. It's a game. When I get back we all get to laugh at whoever received the most of these comments without leaving one here.

Sound good? OK, get to it. I'll be watching.

Story Thread

Please continue to write my story here. This is a simple instruction, I know you can do it.

Dejeuner

DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.

2006 Update: Roadkill on the plate of a pretentious bumpkin. Properly enjoyed using the salad fork and buck knife, esp. on the morning of Dec. 3, 2006.

Joyeux anniversaire a Ms. Thing. Update: Happy Birthday also to Terry!

For fun with words, the great and good O Ceallaigh will be updating his New Millenium Devil's Dictionary for the next two weeks. Similar recipe, but boil the water first.

Oh, and from the department of "You got peanut butter in my chocolate," don't miss Minka at Sar's.

Au Revoir, y'all!

Russian Nesting Doll Wednesday

This week, my guest is Dewy Knickers.

Dewy was asked to define Manifest.

Good morning everyone, this is Dewy Knickers here on a very special day for me!!! As you can see, I have been asked to be today’s special guest. As far as I know, I am the first openly multiple multiple to be a guest here at Doug’s. What is a multiple you ask? Well, simply put, I am a woman who lives in a man, that man being Brian aka hummingbunny.

Doug gave me the word Manifest to define. Hmmmm. Manifest. Manifest? What is he trying to tell me? That this is my destiny? That I am a bill of lading? Perhaps I am just a bill of goods? Perhaps return to sender or collect on delivery? Is he saying that I am opaque? Not real or see through? It's clear to me that Doug wouldn't do that to someone that has a crush on him; now would he?

So let us manifest my birth. Brian started blogging in Feb/March 2006. By April 23rd, 2006 he had made several good friends, and the idea for the Hysterical Blogger News Network was born in an e-mail exchange. I was first manifested in print on June 14th, 2006 in a post called “Oh!Alberto!” followed up on June 28th, 2006 in “Fire Down Below”.

My next star turn was when for the entire month on July, I was manifest in my determination to cover the Tour de France and I did that so well, that HBNN gave me my own blog called “Get Your Daily Knickers” that debuted July 28th, 2006.

The first show I created was called “Blog Stew” on August 23rd, 2006 and also on September 23rd, 2006 I launched “Flashing Knickers With Dewy”.

Despite all my success, we were not yet ready to reveal ourselves as was manifest in the post on August 30th, called “What do You Mean I Am Not Real?” If you read the post carefully however, and the comments even more so, it was manifest that many believed that I was real and Brian’s protests were hollow. All of which leads up to November 18th, 2006 as being the day that all the hints and clues manifested themselves in our minds and it became clear to Brian that he was a multiple. November 24th, 2006 is the day we all came forward out of the darkness and into the light.


I will leave you with a question. Do multiples have souls?

MANIFEST, n. A lurker in life, a voice that has hid as a trait, but which slowly reveals itself to be real.

MANIFEST, n. A challenge to reconcile memory with the truth.

MANIFEST, n. The intersection between falling off the truck and do these make me look fat.

About Dewy: Well, let's see here. Dewy is a woman living inside the body and lambic region of Brian, who is Diane's husband. Don't arch your eyebrow like that at me. Right, like you're normal. Yes, Mother, I hear them. I'll try, Mother. What if I can't explain it? What if they won't listen? Yes, that would be unfortunate, Mother.

Anyway, as far as I have the story, Dewy manifested in the following fashion:

1: On June 28 of this year, Brian aka Hummingbunny let many of us know that he had posted the funniest post we would read this year. The post featured a character all of us, including Hummingbunny, assumed was fictional. No mother, I laughed but not at those parts. Not the dirty parts.

2: One lunar cycle and two days later, Dewy's success had prompted the start of her own blog, now on wordpress. It began with a commentary about the Tour de France, which seems to indicate that Dewy was still very much tied up in Brian's identity.

3. Over the next several months, Dewy posted on a variety of topics, primarily asking women about men, suggesting that Dewy had begun to separate herself from Brian even if that was a pretty male thing to do. No Mother, it's not dirty among girls. It was just talk. OK, Mother, I will.

4. Earlier this month when Diane and Brian (and Dewy, et al) took a vacation, Dewy announced herself formally as an independent individual living inside of Brian and self-identified as both fully female and entirely curvy. I can't, mother. She lives in a married man. Yes, I know you want grandchildren. What's wrong with the one I disinterred last month? OK, maybe something happened to his sister. Or might.

So there you have it. A woman, fully grown and entirely normal has manifested herself right before our staring eyes. I hope you all like her as much as I do. Thanks to Dewy for her guest post and welcome to the fresh air.

How to be a guest on this site: To be anointed, I will need your email address and permission. So, were you to send an email to dpascover at mac dot com and say in the subject line something like "OK, ok I'll do it," that would definitely work unless I thought it was spam and deleted it. On an upcoming Wednesday, after posting that week's guest I would then send you an email with a word not in The Devil's Dictionary which you could then spend the next three days writing a definition for and return to me with a graphic or two of your choosing. The only rules are no profanity, no novels and anything else I make up. If you've done this before, I may ask you again if you're around a lot. If you've done this before and not been heard from since, just let me know that you want to be a guest and then disappear again. Waking Ambrose will be offline the next two weeks, so the next guest Wednesday, if there are volunteers, will be just before Christmas.

Oh, and Karma posted.

Evanescence

EVANESCENCE, n. The quality that so charmingly distinguishes happiness from grief, and enables us to make an immediate comparison between pleasure and pain, for better enjoyment of the former.

2006 Update: A tendency toward evaporation. The universal condition of eternal truths, absent from error.

Abacus

ABACUS, n. In architecture, the upper part of a column, upon which, in all good architecture, sits the thoughtful stork pondering unutterable things.

2006 Update: A tool for census-takers and tax-collector in ancient china and wherever ceramic disks are enfranchised and obligated.

The Case of the Missing Moral

Story #72, a matter in which theft, autism and hippiedom play a role.

To hear the story, visualize world peace.






To read the story, click Arthur Conan Doyle who thought mormonism was troubling.

This week The Prattler, "The Reader's Digest Empire."

Reminder: Waking Ambrose will be on vacation December 1-14. Stories will return December 16.

Footprints

FOOTPRINTS, n. A pedestrians impressions of the country. A thief's assertion that he has gone over the ground is not open to conviction.

2006 Update: The evidence of the presence of the absent.

Forgetfulness

FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

2006 Update: Gratitude.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Al Day Wednesday

This week, my guest is a blogger who sprang from the East River full grown. Ain't he purty? Here's Al. Al was asked to define Rookie.

ROOKIE, n. somebody who's new at something. Rookies are usually young, but not always. In fact, many bloggers don't enter the field until well after they've been diagnosed with advanced dementia.

In some endeavors, like professional sports, being a rookie is charming and endearing, therefore widely publicized. On the other hand, if you've been playing for two or three years and the reporters are still calling you "rookie", its probably because they can't get the phrase "this guy sucks" past their editor.

In other fields, like cosmetology and neurosurgery, a practitioner's rookie status is held in the strictest confidence, The customer (or next-of-kin) is always the last to find out, and then only under force of subpoena.

In uniformed service, one can usually spot the rookie as the guy who hasn't yet figured out how to wear his hat. With rookie cops, look for a gunbelt worn 'round the knees. With firemen, look behind the speeding red truck with the flashing lights. The rookie is the guy lying on his back in the street, screaming and flailing away under a full load of gear.

Rookies are often subjected to "hazing" by their more senior colleagues. Hazing is an initiation ritual best enjoyed when particularly abusive and embarrassing. It is in that spirit that I report here today, wearing my thick skin and hoping for mercy - but knowing better.

About Al: Al, we hardly know ye. But we're starting to. Assuming Pia relaxed and enjoyed a productive vacation, the second best thing to come out of Pia's guest-post-a-rama was many of us came to know a poor commenter without even a blog to call his own. Three short weeks ago, this homeless Manhattanite rectified the situation and, like all stalled gypsies, moved right into the penthouse suite. Al's site, Downtown: Up The Hudson with Gun and Camera has to be about the most professional looking blogger blog near Earth. With terrific graphics in the bag, Al started his site with a moving request for information to help identify the people in a photo found in the post 9/11 wreckage and moved right into an interesting and engaging conversation.

Al does conversation well. I haven't quite put my finger on what he's doing over there but it works. So far, his posts begin with an essay or report and end with a Q&A section seeking input from his blogging friends. Al gives good one-liner mid-paragraph. It starts fun and stays voluble. Not much is known about this guy so far so but with research and intentional distortions of his meanings I can offer the following assessment of the man's identity and character, based on his own reports.

Al is 56 years old, and a Sagittarius, and a computer consultant. He majored in psychology, minored in self-deception and claims to like both cats and dogs, suggesting he has fish. He claims to be originally from South Philadelphia, a former New Jerseyite and a current resident of downtown Manhattan. This is plausible as only people from those three places consider those to be three places. He has used the adjectives darling and lesbian to describe his wife. He also called Minka a valkyrie so I'm inclined to believe him about his wife, too.

Other than that, we know he's competitive to come in first, gracious in defeat through conditioning if not by nature, and a pleasure to have in the mix. Thanks to Al for doing the guest spot here and doing it well. When's the old lady coming by? And didn't I win her in a bet already?

How to be a guest on this site: To be anointed, I will need your email address and permission. So, were you to send an email to dpascover at mac dot com and say in the subject line something like "OK, ok I'll do it," that would definitely work unless I thought it was spam and deleted it. On an upcoming Wednesday, after posting that week's guest I would then send you an email with a word not in The Devil's Dictionary which you could then spend the next three days writing a definition for and return to me with a graphic or two of your choosing. The only rules are no profanity, no novels and anything else I make up. If you've done this before, I may ask you again if you're around a lot. If you've done this before and not been heard from since, just let me know that you want to be a guest and then disappear again.

Troglodyte

TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented" — in brief, all the Socialists of Judah.

2006 Update: A benighted creature who walks in a slouch with arms dangling and brow furrowed, knuckles dragging and feet shuffling while speaking in grunts, growls and groans beyond the next morning.
2. A satirical lexicographer in the sunlight.

Tariff

Tariff, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

The Enemy of Human Souls
Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
For Hell had been annexed of late,
And was a sovereign Southern State.

"It were no more than right," said he,
"That I should get my fuel free.
The duty, neither just nor wise,
Compels me to economize —
Whereby my broilers, every one,
Are execrably underdone.
What would they have? — although I yearn
To do them nicely to a turn,
I can't afford an honest heat.
This tariff makes even devils cheat!
I'm ruined, and my humble trade
All rascals may at will invade:
Beneath my nose the public press
Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
The bar ingeniously applies
To my undoing my own lies;
My medicines the doctors use
(Albeit vainly) to refuse
To me my fair and rightful prey
And keep their own in shape to pay;
The preachers by example teach
What, scorning to perform, I preach;
And statesmen, aping me, all make
More promises than they can break.
Against such competition I
Lift up a disregarded cry.
Since all ignore my just complaint,
By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!"
Now, the Republicans, who all
Are saints, began at once to bawl
Against his competition; so
There was a devil of a go!
They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete
In acrimonious debate,
Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
Had hopes of coming by their own.
That evil to avert, in haste
The two belligerents embraced;
But since 'twere wicked to relax
A tittle of the Sacred Tax,
'Twas finally agreed to grant
The bold Insurgent-protestant
A bounty on each soul that fell
Into his ineffectual Hell.
—Edam Smith

2006 Update: The perfect gift of government to the poor and working people who have everything.

Unto The Next World

Story #71, A tale of dysentery.

To hear the story, listen to your inner parasite.






To read the story, click Percy Bysshe Shelley, that rascal.

This week in The Prattler, "Remembering Milton Friedman" to be published around 11 AM TLP standard time. You are all excused from class.

Oh, and an announcement: Waking Ambrose will be on vacation December 1-14.

Sardine

SARDINE, n. A small and very palatable fish to which many unpalatable persons hesitate to compare themselves.

I'm no sardine. The Roaring Gimlet

2006 Update: A skinned congregant, blessed salty and anointed with oil.

Salubrious

SALUBRIOUS, adj. The condition of a man who throws physic to the dogs.

2006 Update: Promoting good health as a physician's prescription for a man to a worm.

Wednesday Echo

My guest this week is Danny Boy. Danny Boy was asked to define Blithe.

BLITHE, adj. From the Old English bliþe, “joyous or kind” and cognate with the Old Saxon bliði "bright, happy," and the Old Norse bliðr "mild, gentle." There are no cognates outside the proto-germanic family.

A personality type characterized by lightness of spirit and an easygoing nature, often erroneously associated with being harmless, or blameless.

Blithe individuals are quickly judged by others, and may alternately be seen as:

Carefree/careless
Optimistic/simpleminded
Unburdened/uncaring
Cheerful/fatuous
Joyous/heedless
Happy/loopy

These varying opinions can unerringly root out the true personality type of the observer. For instance, a self-professed curmudgeon who is charmed by a blithe spirit is undoubtedly a closet romantic.

About Danny Boy: Danny has no blog that I know of. He does, however, have a past. Danny and I were classmates at Deep Springs College from June, 1985 until June 1987, two among twelve. Stephen, Danny's best friend in those years once referred to Dan's "blithe, bearded spirit," a phrase that captured Dan's personality so perfectly that twenty years after first looking up the word blithe there's no other word I could have assigned him.Except, maybe, bearded but a word like that can quickly go wrong.

In theory, I could use this space to tell embarrassing stories about Dan's late teens but I have, in fact, nothing on him and the converse is not the case so let's just say Dan is a good man: honest, wise and true. Maybe overwise, if anything. Dan came to Deep Springs having been a page in the U.S. Senate, which explains a lot, and a singer with a voice of gold, a silver ear and a rusty sense of propriety. A memory I have is sitting in a classroom where a guest lecturer, Giuseppi Mazzota of Florence, was discussing the verses in Dante's Inferno that describe Paolo and Francesca, flitting obliviously through hell aware only of their passion for each other, while Dan walked right outside the open classroom window crooning a cantata at full volume. "Dan's both in one" was the immediate thought.

Dan and I spent two terms together responsible for the college's milk cows and got along grandly as perfect opposites tend to do. Dan came to Deep Springs smart, well-read, intellectual, political, thoughtful, bearded and half-right about his orientation. His refinement can be seen in two entrance essays I stole photos of from his file last weekend, at right. These essays were about Alice Walker's The Color Purple and the death of Mark Rothko. I think the equivalents in my folder were entitled "Blade Runner: Fact or Fiction?" and "Why I may as well go to an all-male school." Deep Springs wasn't as selective back then as it is now and at 17 I was already furry enough for the plow.

Thanks to Dan for two decades of friendship, for a wily guest post, for voting with the minority (I think) on the Student Body motion to censure me and for guarding your tongue in the comments below.

How to be a guest on this site: To be anointed, I will need your email address and permission. So, were you to send an email to dpascover at mac dot com and say in the subject line something like "OK, ok I'll do it," that would definitely work unless I thought it was spam and deleted it. On an upcoming Wednesday, after posting that week's guest I would then send you an email with a word not in The Devil's Dictionary which you could then spend the next three days writing a definition for and return to me with a graphic or two of your choosing. The only rules are no profanity, no novels and anything else I make up. If you've done this before, I may ask you again if you're around a lot. If you've done this before and not been heard from since, just let me know that you want to be a guest and then disappear again.

Sorcery

SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing it.

2006 Update: Breathing nature's wisdom into the still air of a human mind through the ear.

Speaking of necromancy, and we will, Karma has posted and you bet it's a funny one.

Sand

SAND, n. Something that writers of anonymous letters to newspapers do not possess.

2006 Update: To the surfer, wealth, and to the sailor, salvation; To the farmer, humility, and to the hermit, company. To the hungry, general relief.

Twist of Fate

Story #70. Even the fates suffer unforseen consequences.

To hear the story, consult the Moriae







To read the story, ask Diogenes a stupid question.

This week in The Prattler, "Hosing Off" to be published around 1 PM TLP standard time.

Then I'll be gone for the weekend. If you need me, turn East from Big Pine and listen for barking. Have a good weekend, all.

Hangman

HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered — the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen.

2006 Update: The humblest servant of a pious people and shepherd to the gathering wool.

Habit

HABIT, n. A shackle for the free.

2006 Update: 1. An abrasive proficiency.
2. Confession.

Substitute Teacher

This morning, it's my pleasure to welcome Quilldancer as guest. You know you guys have been looking forward to this as much as I have. Quilldancer was asked to write a definition of Lecture.

LECTURE, n. Doug asked me to define lecture: a word that’s meaning changes with each stage of a person’s life.

To toddlers the word “no” is a lecture.

To elementary school children a lecture is a boring story about what life was like when Teacher was a kid.

To teenagers a lecture is every word their parents utter.

To college students a lecture is a class designed to ensure they get their sleep.

To adults a lecture is a gift of verbal wisdom better to give than to receive.

To senior citizens a lecture is a one-sided discourse about anything newfangled, like iPods or cell phones.

About Quilldancer: Quilldancer aka Quilly aka Tom and Cindra's Aunt Quill first showed up here this past summer and has been keeping the place toasty warm well into autumn. Since her arrival, two things in particular have been noticeable about her participation. The first is that Quill's humane spirit won't dissolve in the inhumanity of the host. The second is that Las Vegas schoolchildren must get frequent breaks to hit the slots and tip the cocktail waitress.

Quilly writes four blogs herself and one with friends who also have a problem. A Day in The Life is the central site, updated daily with poetry, thoughts and anecdotes. An artist with words who no doubt chose her pseudonym because she loves letters, the posts at A Day in The Life jumble together amusing anecdotes that are actually funny, touching anecdotes that actually move, random thoughts (which can be really random) and, bless her, Wordless Wednesdays. While I'm rambling on here, Quill is no doubt sleeping and later on, she'll download a photo.

Bits of me in poetry is her site with a title that rhymes cotaining verses most of which don't. Like A Day in The Life the poetry site comes from a lot of different parts of Quilly. A photograph and verses which can be haiku, or other short poetry, or fanciful formal poetry. Memories of her childhood fill the site with the best title on the internet, The Grown-Ups Wanted Us Dead. Those are stories told the good old-fashioned way with the vigor in the narrative and a light touch with the humor and emotion. I swear I'd delete this whole site in trade for having been the one to give that name to something.

Matthew 28:19, named for the great commission is a site in which Quill testifies her faith autobiographically. It's a blog Roberta Bondi would write or at least enjoy reading, I think, and I say that as someone with half a dozen of Bondi's books on my bookshelf. It's a site where Quilldancer's testimony is sharing herself, which is really the synopsis of all Quilldancer's sites and comments. She's that unusual soul who fully and without artifice inhabits all of her own words, whether she's making a joke, telling a story or recalling a past sadness. Quill's sensitive response to one of the darker stories on this site, inspired this one. We'll need women like Quill during the end times.

Thanks to Quill for being a terrific guest, teacher and friend. Oh, and folks, Quilldancer has warned us that it is dangerous to feed her ego so, please, no-one say anything nice.

How to be a guest on this site: To be anointed, I will need your email address and permission. So, were you to send an email to dpascover at mac dot com and say in the subject line something like "OK, ok I'll do it," that would definitely work unless I thought it was spam and deleted it. On an upcoming Wednesday, after posting that week's guest I would then send you an email with a word not in The Devil's Dictionary which you could then spend the next three days writing a definition for and return to me with a graphic or two of your choosing. The only rules are no profanity, no novels and anything else I make up. If you've done this before, I may ask you again if you're around a lot. If you've done this before and not been heard from since, just let me know that you want to be a guest and then disappear again.

Harangue

HARANGUE, n. A political speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang.

2006 Update: The mumbling of a quiet conscience, amplified through the echo-chamber of the soul and broadcast through a bullhorn to those with ears to hear.

An anonymous group, whose members already walk among us in different guises, have put together a new site to pursue peace and justice. While curmudgeons and lexicographers thrive on chaose, immorality and decay, I am passing this information along to you, the unaffiliated. The site has been designed for interaction and you can vote there on far more substantial matters than any of is likely to in our home precincts. The site is hereabouts.

Also

To my American brothers and sisters: It's election day, fools. I promised Mireille I'd wear the scent of her choice for a week if I don't vote. The rest of you will be wearing the scent of someone else's choice if you don't. /Harangue

Update: To my fellow Still Life fans, she posted, by golly!

Hers

HERS, pron. His.

2006 Update: adj. Uneaten.

Snowdrift

Story #69, in which a young Doug wanders a storm seeking new life and new civilizations.

To hear me drone, embrace the stillness.








To read the story, go where no one has gone before.







This week in The Prattler, "The Prattler exdorsements."

Genteel

GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent.

Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal:
A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel.
Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents,
For dictionary makers are generally gents.
—G.J.

2006 Update: Patient, particular and polite, as a cannibal in a health-food store.

Genius

GENIUS, n. That particular disposition of the faculties intellectual which enables one to write poetry like Hector Stuart and prose like Loring Pickering; to draw like Carl Browne and paint like Mr. Swan; to model like the immortal designer of the Cogswell statue or the Lotta fountain; to speak like the great O'Donnell. In a general sense, any degree of mental superiority that enables its possessor to live acceptably upon his admirers, and without blame be unbrokenly drunk.

2006 Update: An individual of exceptional wit, as judged by a jury of peers.

Special Guest Misanthrope

Update: Happy birthday to Semisweet1!

This week, a hale and hearty welcome to Anomie-Atlanta. Anomie was asked to define Bonhomie.

BONHOMIE, n. 1. An attribute carefully cultivated by those whose livelihood depends on the good opinion of the ignorant masses (eg. politicians, homecoming queens, ministers.) 2. Urbanity for profit.

About Anomie: Anomie, recently Anonymous, is a clever blogger with a beautifully dark worldview who turns her jaundiced eye on her own life in my former hometown on the banks of the Chattahoochee. The home of Martin Luther King, Jr. and the capitol of Jimmy Carter needs its cynics and I'm confident I've left the town well-tended. Anomie's blog, False Consciousness, is currently on hiatus but there is plenty worth reading there so long as you don't need cheering up. An explanation for her pseudonym and the blog title is in her first post, here. At least one of her eyes and eyebrows is lovely. On the other side I suspect a patch as well as a bloody saber in one hand and a Ginsburg collection in the other.

Anomie first showed up at this site in May, and her career here has been marked by esoteric quotations and a willingness to make fun of the Waking Ambrose editor-in-chief delightful to contemplate and not too terrible to experience. Since putting her blog on hiatus she wears many shapes, like another famous misanthrope, but I'm usually pretty confident when an anonymous commenter quotes Émile Durkheim it was her. Between May and the temporaryish suspension, Anomie wrote not often but very well. Like many of us who take a dim view of our neighbors, she is often very funny (also here), surprisingly thoughtful and vulnerable, and very creative. Before any of you all go read any of Anomie's writing one warning: Anyone who has made fun of your host for using three-bit words will come back owing me an apology.

Now, a person has to ask themselves: Why would someone name themselves Anomie and then blog? I will make the case that Anomie is, in fact, a misanthrope worthy of her pseudonym.

1. She rarely responds to comments on her site but responds on other blogs.
2. Her non-fiction is compassionate and thoughtful but her fiction always ends with a corpse or a bleeding lover.
3. She finds neuro-scientists attractive.
4. She has her hair done by a Frenchman who despises Americans.
5. Anomie goes to IKEA for the same reason her hairstylist lives in Atlanta.
6. Anomie has suggestions for spammers.
7. She accepts career counseling from volunteer lexicographers.
8. Anomie prefers insomnia to dull literature.
9. She once had an argument with the late Noah Webster over the definitions of "Irritations" and "Alone" and shared.
10. In her profile she declares herself a paradox and then goes on to explain.

Thanks to Anomie for her continued participation here, for a perfect guest definition and for being above it all. Are you ready for your close up?

How to be a guest on this site: To be anointed, I will need your email address and permission. So, were you to send an email to dpascover at mac dot com and say in the subject line something like "OK, ok I'll do it," that would definitely work unless I thought it was spam and deleted it. On an upcoming Wednesday, after posting that week's guest I would then send you an email with a word not in The Devil's Dictionary which you could then spend the next three days writing a definition for and return to me with a graphic or two of your choosing. The only rules are no profanity, no novels and anything else I make up. If you've done this before, I may ask you again if you're around a lot. If you've done this before and not been heard from since, just let me know that you want to be a guest and then disappear again.

Guardian

GUARDIAN, n. One who undertakes to protect from others what he is not ready to get for himself.

2006 Update: A traitor in training.

Grasshopper

GRASSHOPPER, n. An insect with legs like a couple of step-ladders. The Gryllus campestris of Linnaeus; the Yumyum chawfully of Sarah Winnemucca.

2006 Update: An apprentice stereotype.

Happy Birthday to my twin. May your next year be filled with the backsides of bunnies.

The Red Mask of Death

Story #68, in which a cocktail party goes amiss.

To hear the story, call the specter.












To read the story, comfort Edgar Allen Poe who's rolling in his grave about now but probably used to it.

This week in The Prattler, "Trick or Treat" which should be up by 11AM TLP Daylight Savings Time.

Deserve

DESERVE, n. The quality of beinig entitled to what someone else obtains.

2006 Update: v.t. To inherit by hard work and imagination.

Dullard

DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the Mayflower and made a favorable report of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral.

2006 Update: A well whetted wit, positioned and parodied.
2. A lexicographer by choice.

Special Guest Wednesday

This week, I'm pround to introduce Cheesemeister as my Wednesday guest. Cheesemeister was asked to define Batty.

BATTY, adj. The description of an individual who turns a blind eye to proper appearances and instead follows their inner guidance to those things from which they find true fulfillment.


About Cheesemeister: Cheesemeister may be the most prolific blogger of us all and needs your help, probably. As best I can tell, her principle blog, The Cheesemeister's Maelstrom of Distorted Bedlam reflects the dark and light of her sense of humor. A fan of death metal music and defender of Iron Maiden, but with diverse musical taste, Maelstrom is cleverly written in the form of a tabloid covering metal bands which I can only pray are fictitious. I'm pretty sure Death Cheese is mostly fictional. And then pray some more. I kind of hope The Lutefiskies are real and that I never hear them.

Another blog of hers, The Freakulosity of Dreams recounts the dreams and nightmares that inform her writing or distract it. This blog purports to be evil and to be prepared to take over the entire blogosphere. That's not a dream, it's real. Lock up your daughters. A third blog, The Nutty Gnostic describes Cheesemeister's take on belief, blended with adult language and amber alerts. A whole community of faith with a single author. That sounds familiar. A fourth blog, The Raven's Realm is a collection of Cheesemeister's poetry. At this point, I have to tip my hat. In all the prolific writing, Cheesemeister doesn't stick to heroic verse but writes sonnets and formal poetry as well.

Now mind you, we're still with the blogs she updates regulatly. Full Moon Rising is a fun site, in which Cheesemeister does comedy. There's a great meme (a sentence I never expected to write here. It was on this blog where Cheesemeister mourned the departure of our own dear friend Lammy. The Asteroid of Amoeboid Fungus is a site dedicated to Cheesemeister's creative writing, although there's plenty of that on her other sites.

Beyond these, there are 12 others. The nether regions of the netherworld world of Cheesemeister can be explored through her profile. I'd like to thank Cheesemeister for being a great guest here.

How to be a guest on this site: To be anointed, I will need your email address and permission. So, were you to send an email to dpascover at mac dot com and say in the subject line something like "OK, ok I'll do it," that would definitely work unless I thought it was spam and deleted it. On an upcoming Wednesday, after posting that week's guest I would then send you an email with a word not in The Devil's Dictionary which you could then spend the next three days writing a definition for and return to me with a graphic or two of your choosing. The only rules are no profanity, no novels and anything else I make up. If you've done this before, I may ask you again if you're around a lot. If you've done this before and not been heard from since, just let me know that you want to be a guest and then disappear again.

Delegation

DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.

2006 Update: Babble by the bale.

Diamond

DIAMOND, n. A worthless stone, too soft to be given to a beggar in place of bread and too small to knock him down with.

2006 Update: The epitome of romance- as sharp as a grudge, clear as suspicion, hard as expectation and as durable as disappointment.

Ancient of Days

Story #67, the contemporary lesson of a history student.

To hear the story, receive the grace of the Ancient of Days.












To read the story, surrender to the daughters of Albion.

This week in The Prattler, "I Know! I Know!" in which Doug speaks for both parties on national security.

Friendship

FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

The sea was calm and the sky was blue;
Merrily, merrily sailed we two.
(High barometer maketh glad)
On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout,
The tempest descended and we fell out.
(Oh, the walking is nasty bad!)
- Arnit Huff Bettle

2006 Update: An alliance joined in enmity towards a former friend.

I fled in haste my lover's ire
With fingers broken and my cat on fire,
Into a bar where they might douse
The flames devouring my former house.
I met there a brother who understood
Innocence suffers at the hands of good.
He told me amity will last just fine,
As tinder for his girl and a spark for mine.
- The Right Reverend Charles Bartholomeo Limperbotham

Forgiveness

FORGIVENESS, n. A strategem to throw an offender off his guard and catch him red-handed in his next offense.

2006 Update: A brave face around a simpering tongue.

The Rest Is Gravy

Mark your calendars, y'all. This week my special guest is Actonbell. I am whole. Waking Ambrose is complete. Actonbell was asked to define Roast.

ROAST, v.t. 1. to cook by exposing to dry heat, as in an oven or before a fire, or by surrounding with hot embers, sand, or stones. For instance, you can roast marshmallows, chestnuts, and coffee beans. When roast is a noun, it's pot roast, rump roast, and pig roast, but when it's an adjective, it's more like roast beef, roast turkey, roast chicken, roast duck, and roast peppers.

Or, so I've heard. I don't cook at all, can barely operate the stove, but could, if I wanted to.

2. To honor (a person) at a roast: that is, to affectionately and humorously dredge up all kinds of stuff in said person's past life to reminisce about and poke fun at.

Doug's inaugural Waking Ambrose post in Feb 2005 garnered just 4 comments, and now look at his fanclub! The following comments prove that this here blog is actually a longitudinal roast. That's a slow roast, done over a long period of time. Can we reminisce about any of these comments, or make up new ones?

General Observations about Doug:

Jamie Dawn: You are a man of many talents.

Karma: Breaking myths and predictions and all the rules, is only proof of how very special you are. And there was never any doubt about that.

Kyahgirl: You must be one of those robust fellows Doug because, judging by your posting schedule, you're up before dawn every day. Wait a sec....maybe you're one of those men of reason who doesn't go to bed til then?

Quilldancer:Doug, did you know that you were the second person ever to comment on my blog?

Sar: Electioneer - The civic duty that transforms my favorite blog dog into a volunteering human.

TLP: You little pyro!

Alice: in Wonderland Or Not- See Doug evolved due to auspicious circumstances ...there is no intelligent design.

about Doug's singing:
dddragon: I think he sounds MIGHTY fine.

Weirsdo: I vote that your voice is less annoying than Willie Nelson's.

Tom and Icy: Us doggies just love it when humans sing and I bet Willie and Walena are in heaven at your house!
~~~
His definitions and stories:

Pia: How can anybody top you or Ambrose?

Monika, who loves to be the first commenter: Now that was great and funny and also kinda smart! Maybe your DNA holds more than just food-related genes!!!

Mireille:Warmth AND charisma!!

Miz Bohemia: Thank you for the fun and the pearls of wisdom and for having me as a guest and for your brilliant stories and most of all, thank you for you.

a4g: Oh, and let me take this opportunity to bow to your always trenchant (re)definitions. We-who-soak-up your daily compliments too infrequently mention that mixed feeling of admiration, envy and resentment that accompanies the double barreled morning onslaught of wit from Bierce + Pascover.There. That will have to last you a year. It's all the mushy praise my black heart can muster

G: I have a feeling that you have elevated many of our vocabularies in more areas than we might admit in such genteel company.

Ariel:I've always known you're an attention whore, Doug...

Fred: Slide shows, music, gay bars, exchange student, foreign country, romance....
I loved it!

Shayna: So, ummm... will ya come and read a story to my son? Great story teller you are, Doug! ;)

Good Times! So. Let's get this roast in the oven...

About Actonbell: Actonbell, aka Rahs Speedy Gonzalez Pez, is a runner, beer-lover and the poet laureate of warehouse rats. She also holds the stamina record for being singled out for begging to do a guest post here. She'll still beat me in a footrace, but this morning I win. For those of you still assembling your Pez family trees, Actonbell is the daughter of TLP, the younger sister of Dddragon, the older sister of AP3, and aunt to Goa'uld and Bookworm all of whom took pity on me long before Actonbell. Her husband is Ekim Roadrunner Pez who occasionally lurks and seems only to show up to beat the rest of us at puzzles. By the way, if I were being fair I'd admit that Actonbell has long claimed that she wanted to be home on her guest Wednesday so as to graciously co-host and this is her first Wednesday off. But when was fairness ever funny? Let's continue.

Actonbell keeps two main blogs. Paradise Alley contains cultural insight and information, primarily about books, independent movies and magic. If any three of you read as much combined as Actonbell does, I'm impressed. Six of me don't. By my estimate, Actonbell reads 48 times as many pages per pound of body weight as I do. It shows in both her critical insight and her eloquent writing. When Actonbell likes a book, it always goes immediately into my Amazon.com waiting list and ends up gathering dust on my shelf. Fortunately, she seems to favor books with pretty covers.

Her other blog, Tempest in a Teapot is where Actonbell gets downright nasty. Well, imperfectly elegant, but let's be supportive. When Actonbell writes about work, the pseudonyms she gives her coworkers are funny by themselves, the stories always well-told and the writing smooth enough to make you think you're listening. One observation about the distance runner: many of us who started blogging around the same time seem to be slowing down and either posting less often or commenting less while Actonbell seems to be getting more enthusiastic and writing better, fuller posts more often. For that, Kudos from a blogger in decline and a beggar in triumph.

As for the roast, this was her idea and I have to say, I've survived harsher treatment than she gave me. Let's see how the rest of you do.

Actonbell was partially fictionalized in this story. There remains one adjective used more often than any other to describe Actonbell and for that I turn to her sisters and ask Actonbell to join me at the roastee's table. Have at us, folks.

How to be a guest on this site: You don't have to be a reclusive blogebrity to be a guest here. Email me at dpascover at mac dot com. On a future Wednesday, I'll email you with a word to define and ask you to return a satirical definition and at least one graphic representing you and or your definition by the following Saturday. The rules are: No profanity, no novels and whatever I make up at the last minute.